down their masks! real talk!
* BEFORE Dolto before the 70s, we did not talk to children, much less babies ... The current theory was this: "it was useless since they did not understand!; Adult cases did not involve children, so" we did not talk to the child, we silent, they said nothing "!
was denying the feelings of children ...
* THEN through Dolto , what father or mother is not known today ' Today that "the baby is a person" , he has a "womb" ., he can be "speaking in utero .".... BUT perhaps without know what that really means.
* BEFORE THE CHILD WAS BEING AN UNFINISHED, incompetent ...
NOW IT IS A FULL BUT WARNING! , NOT EQUAL TO ADULTS! !
* SAY TALK IS ESSENTIAL ...
@ TALK TO A CHILD is the respect, regard it as a full partner.
@ A child that his parents speak, will be built in speech, not hesitating to seek the help they need, which is essential for the image he has, and will later himself.
@ but talk to her child, not to mention wildly, he is telling him what he needs know: there are things that do not concern him, did not interest him and he did not hear.
@ The key is to inform by leaving it at his place of child, talk to him according to his age (words, phrases different (s)).
@ honest, sometimes too say is as toxic as to say nothing! say, it's not all! " Children need the truth right there " Dolto said, "it can not be built on truth, so it is very important to tell him what belongs to SON HISTORY.
BEATRICE @ COPPER-ROYER-psychoanalyst - advises talking to children about what will affect them (eg family event.), What will affect them, have an impact their lives, " not leave them in ignorance " ... when the child is anxious, not knowing pushes him to imagine the worst!
@ the child has a small antenna that know, always guess and foremost what we want to hide ... so that adults are afraid to say to employ "real words" are silent or not telling the truth (on the pretext of protecting the children!). "In one house, said Dolto, children and dogs always know everything , and especially what they do not say, but feels .
@ HALMOS-CLAUDE psychoanalyst child specialist - believes that the child has a sort of "unconscious communication ," an "unconscious knowledge of things" and needs than adults give him permission to speak to the conscious to think and talk about it ... if it is "unbalanced" because "he knows something about knowing (again unconsciously) that he should not know" ... resulting in a sort of anxiety that the child will express his body (various disorders, behavior, diseases ...).
* WHO IS TALKING? WHEN?
- It is desirable that it be parents or someone very close to the child who spoke to him, because "learn the truth about us by someone other than their parents or his family is extremely destructive! " confidence ... and safety are so undermined!
- parents must listen to their feelings, their intuition, "do as you feel, consider your own feelings as nothing is more unsettling for a child than a parent 's collapsed into tears, he should feel sturdy enough without risk of collapse. "
- otherwise, do not hesitate to be 2 - father and mother - to speak .. or delegate to someone who knows the child well and will be reassuring.
- reassure your child is learning not to say everything , even simple, although incomplete, information true avoid him to feel responsible and to invent a story that has nothing to do with reality .
- some truths, painful and violent, are always preferable if there are words to think.
- Dolto encouraged "to always tell the truth or something that is on the path of truth . "The truth can hurt, but it is always preferable to lies ... because the child imagines always worse than the worst truth is kept secret unsettling truth is liberating, it delivers the anguish and all fantasies that the child has imagined, that have nothing to do with secrecy.
- protection by silence is an acceptable right of parents ... if that does not cause a disorder of behavior (their own and that of the child), it tells the child his father and his mother chose to take their troubles ONLY, this simple words "I think you're too small to share my worries, but I'll get through, I prefer to fend for himself" ... which prevents the child to feel guilty, and develop a sense of helplessness in a situation where it is neither the actor nor the cause. The help of a therapist or a third person is sometimes necessary ... Indeed, the problems are sometimes resolved when the child hears his children talk to one third.
- it is essential that whatever is seen by the child be explained (eg, sexual activities, disasters, accidents ...)
SO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING WITHOUT ANY SAY ABOUT ... NO TABOO!
* TALK OF WHAT? HOW?
0 . the secrets of birth, family : to read, my first little book red "the little girl who did not sleep," reissued soon!
- to enable the child to be built on truth, it is essential to reveal the earliest possible date in its history, its identity, the history of his family .. ". he must know who he is and where it comes " said Francis DOLTO!
- WARNING ! remember that if secrecy is toxic, too much information can be too!
0. divorce, separation : reading, 2 nd my little red book the "irritable hip"!
; - According Dolto, the first and primary condition is to tell the child , whatever his age, his parents are in the need to separate because they can no longer live together and say early enough for it to "s to prepare.
- but, sexual intimacy, emotional , Psychological parents, their sexuality must remain "secret garden" of adults. Similarly, adultery silence, resentment, blame, hatred, and the child must continue to love her 2 parents without being held hostage by one or the other: nothing is more destructive. The child should not be the confidant of the adult!
- it is important to talk to the love child of his parents for him ... love that will always exist! reassurance and also secure in speaking of the organization of everyday life, establishing new benchmarks (school, home, friends ...)
, 0. disease :
- it is important to conceal the details techniques of the disease, the uncertainty of doctors, personal anxieties of parents, adults on the present and the future, we must speak the truth child and work on hope without lying about the seriousness of evil " everything is used for healing. "
0. death : Read my 3 rd little red book "he's lost my dad" .. that issues related to speaking the truth!
- Use the word "death" and not "dead" which means nothing for the child.
- beware of metaphors, expressions, explanations often used by adults who are afraid to say "words real ": the child believes everything you say!
- use the keyphrase of Dolto: "IT IS NOT THAT DIES WHEN TO FINISH OF LIFE" .... and that BORIS CYRULNIK, to work on remembrance, " DEATH IS NOT THE END OF LIFE ON CONTINUING TO LIVE IN THE HEART OF THOSE WE LOVE".
0. sexuality :
- It is essential to teach children from an early age as his body and its organs belong to him ... and nobody has the right to touch them! " your body belongs to you, nobody has the right to touch it, one day you show your love."
- it is important to say early the incest taboo ... must be very vigilant during the Oedipus period (between 3 and 7 years or more).
0. hospitalization of the child :
- be present with him, lets him explain what will happen: exams, blood tests .. and help to tame the unknown, to speak with him about his feelings, to reassure, to establish confidence in him to the doctors, "I'm sure you'll heal fast," "I trust the doctors, it's their job."
- it is also very important to bring Children in this = "after your body will function as before."
0. birth :
- it is essential to talk to the child at this important moment (see my 1st little red book "the little girl who did not sleep") ... more so when the birth was special; put words on the experience and the feeling is liberating and restore the child's own words about this event fundamental.
- the birth of 2nd child , talk to the first, referring to his own birth = pictures, books, words are very useful to really communicate.
0. the world's problems = wars, accidents, disasters ...
- there really need to talk with children of all the information they receive from television, newspapers, what friends tell, what say to reassure adults ... and tell the truth. Needless anxiety to have an attitude ... your attitude is critical. " tell the truth or something that is on the path of truth" F. DOLTO.
0. religion :
- "this is what I think, but everybody does not think like that! "a phrase - key! .... Being fed course explanation.
0. disability, the difference :
- adult behavior is crucial for the child : rejection or reception.
- it is necessary to inform the child with simple explanations and real .
0. unemployment ... the delicate financial situations :
- it is important to talk about "sub" with her child (original work remuneration, management and use) "we do not buy the money in the bank!"::: silent but details of loans, loans, debts, potential conflicts or resentment vis- third parties ... this "internal kitchen" parents that children do not need to know.
- By cons, reassure explaining it will still need (eating, bathing, dressing ...) but perhaps not necessary to buy the (toys, clothes that are interested, from on holiday ..) so it will be useful to learn open door the frustration ... = "we will see next year."
0. your "coups de blues :
; - Especially release the child, explaining that this is not the cause, that "it's not his fault!".
0. your marriage problems: disagreements, arguments:
- adopting the attitude previous to reassure the child assimilates away, wrangling separation which causes anxiety and insecurity.
* TO KNOW MORE!
* Avoid using the words " Devitalizing ": "shut up", "you tire me with your questions! "I'll tell you later when you grow up," "You're too young to understand", "I do not know ..."
* not ever - called ! even if the question bothers you when you = do not know or when you feel uncomfortable to speak, it is best to tell the child: "I am embarrassed to tell you about it, I'll think about and I promise to talk soon as possible "or" I can not answer you for now, I'll find out, we hear about it as soon as possible. "
* know that children "have ears lying" ... you believe them busy playing and they hear everything! not because they do not look they can not hear you!
* FRANCOISE DOLTO said: "From the moment that's true, put into words what you experience in both the tenderness in hatred, that's what is human. "
* big and small joys are easier to say that large and small disasters ... so think of books ... which are excellent media for communication between parents and children! .... See "my little red books" (presentation on the 2nd page of the blog!).
DAD, MOM, ALWAYS TRUE TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN!
.
0 comments:
Post a Comment