"At the dawn of all our languages, there is the body" ... said Jacques Salome ... communications specialist.
* The essence of life is played out in the 1st years ... the mother and the 2 parents - play a critical role at birth, in the introduction to the floor ... in fact, Babies and young children with little or no words to express themselves will use "other languages" ... to "think", "do not say," will serve, exist.
* SO, ARE ALL THE BEHAVIOR OF LANGUAGES:
° THE SIGN LANGUAGE : gaze, smiling, breathing, tension, energy, silence ...
° THE CROSSING THE ACT : oriented to self or others.
° THE RITUAL : these repetitive actions that protect us or help us tame the outside world (sunrise, sunset, food, soft toys ...)
° THE Somatization: evil languages of ... Favorites babies, children and adults too.
° THE SYMBOLIZATION : connecting the real and imaginary play, drawing, questioning, dreams ...
* CHILDREN ARE THE SYMPTOMS TORQUE : they will say in their behavior, their behavior that goes on between mom and dad and that is the subject of the "unsaid" and they will translate it in their body by using two languages favorites : The somatization (language of pain) and the passages to the act (behavior) ; children are radars, powerful transmitters that pick up the misunderstandings, the unspoken tensions in the family, school and the nurse ... and recreate in everyday life.
* EVERYTHING IS LANGUAGE "said Francois DOLTO.
The human being is a being of language ... hence the importance of words spoken or unspoken on events that mark the life of a child often unwittingly. Children need the truth right there! Parents, speak truth to your children!
* UNDERSTANDING A CHILD is to renounce this belief which is common to hear or do not understand or identify behaviors and in terms of LOVE or poorly received received: "... he is well liked he is unloved" ... or in terms of satisfaction or dissatisfaction, "it was well cared for him ... pretty busy for him."
/ Many behaviors are related to the need not only to be seen but RECOGNIZED as a whole person and recognizes each other different from oneself.
/ Before you understand it is to hear : "as it happens in childhood? That he is trying to tell me or silence in his own way, with its difficulties, its denial, its blockages, his inappropriate behavior? banish reason: not to seek the origin or explanation for it is replaced by understanding the explanation (often for us reassure ourselves). Rather seek the meaning of the message "that want t 'tell me? or what would you tell me in doing this or that, being sick .... etc?" The language of children s address not the ears, it is for eyes and heart, he speaks often with concern, "said Jacques Salome.
/ To hear the child as a person full, it is necessary to realize also that it triggers among adults around .. " What disturbed me through this child? can I differentiate my feelings of his? "The great skill of the children is to update at any time the former child in us," said J. Salome yet.
* ask ourselves LANGUAGES ON THE 2 FAVORITE CHILDREN: THE CROSSING THE ACT AND somatization.
° THE CROSSING THE ACT must be understood as self-oriented languages or to others, they are discharges of aggression or anxiety .... that worry the adults tried to punish or sanction. Some Once it is self - aggression to the act that makes you feel exist in the sensation of pain: getting hurt, put themselves in danger, seek bodily sensations possible message ... " give me limits "which is an appeal to authority.
assaults are facing another reaction ... to assert "I'm here" or confirm his power "the world must take account of me" running away, beatings, theft, destruction, motor restlessness, accidents show an imbalance, say a conflict, are a call ...
These crossings the act are languages harder to hear, parents and adults react but do not hear! It is necessary to offer his listening, his benevolent watchfulness and firm support for the child of a possible confrontation ... especially not to resign themselves overwhelmed by misunderstanding.
° THE Somatization: "The evils of the body are the messages of the soul." @ WARNING: ills are often understood as diseases while they are "languages" .. .
@ All diseases are symbolic languages with which children (and adults) trying to say what he can not put into words ...
because it is unspeakable, not clear, unbearable, threatening, contradictory.
@ The adult's role is to help to put into words ... avoid setting evils : put words on what we feel, what we believe that the child feels, is to connect to him the link to the world as one who speaks with his body and trying to say, scream something essential. When the child does not find the words to say to make themselves heard, he tries to make himself understood through SORE ... often in vain, for these evils will be treated as diseases where misunderstanding. Eg. ear infections, sore throats, stomach ache, rashes are often attempts of expression emerge from conflict. Ear infections can mean "that's where you do not hear me mum and dad" or "I hear your arguments and it is unbearable"
or "I hear too your shouts at me "evil can also be a testimony of affiliation, of belonging" me too at his age I was doing a lot of chest pain "or the expression of an intrapersonal conflict, a difference between fictional and feelings true feelings (feelings that develop in adults waiting to please ...), sore may also be related to losses, separations, or symptoms of recall of events, the birthday syndromes (evil being or disease that is always triggers the same period ... as a reminder of event experience, a memory of the body) or they can be Related unfinished situations (internal injuries, wounds, hot spots) ... like the birth: it is necessary den talk with the child: to put into words the feeling is very liberating, and returns the child's own speak on this important event.
SILENCE OF WORDS OF VIOLENCE = PAIN! ills can be as revealing of relationships ... those messages we receive from those around and that we accept, reject or suffer, the ones we give, "oh, this one we do not know who it is" "moi quand je serai grand je serai le plus fort"
"My belief in somatization is that children are the major repair of the hidden wounds of their parents," said Jacques Salome. "There is only you who know your history and the history of your child from conception" is not the discourse that is important is the message sent and message received. "
TRYING * to decrypt SOME BEHAVIORS ...
@ MY CHILD inventing stories ... storytelling? lie? ... Or genes carried by our dreams (dreams of our ancestors or our past lives - said Dr. Jouvet), or fruit of the collective imagination, taste for natural history, an expression of fantasy, fun to listen, to tell or invent stories, inventing imaginary characters confidants-to-break taboos or messengers, to tame a difficult situation - where one child in a sibling or isolated and who expresses his need for friends of friends her own age.
THAT CAN SERVE THIS BEHAVIOR? child .. lack of confidence in him, he seeks to draw attention to himself It fills a feeling of weakness, lack of internal security and feels some guilt that prevents him from saying things "for real". He escapes from the real hard for better living ...
how to behave? accomplice ... to show, do not break the momentum, respect the attitude of the child into his game without the cause ... and try to decipher his message.
@ MY CHILD'S TALE OF LIES, HE made jokes, jokes ... behave very frequent! The concept of "lying" - linked to the development of decision and the moral sense - should not be applied before the age of 7 years ... Do not treat the child a "liar" ... there is no ; child liar, there are only children who are experiencing moments of doubt and insecurity . Children need to be built of lies is an essential step in their psychic development . At the same time the lie is an awareness of the child he has an idea that is different from that of her parents. Sometimes it does imitate adults who manage well with the truth ! He sees the gap between theory and practice. (watch your own behavior!)
distinguish SEVERAL FORMS OF LIES!
° THE LIE - ALIBI : "not me"! the child does not deny the act but denies intent, he invented the story to avoid being punished; accept the fantasy version cleverly explaining that you think differently of him!
° THE LIE-GRATUITY "lie all the bragging" ... to assert his superiority, because he has the feeling of not being the height of what he calls because he wants to reward, praise, because it unloads and internal conflicts that are troubling, because it is anxious to conform to the image his parents want him ... he needs - not only to be seen but as RECOGNIZED!
° THE LIE - FABLE "for nothing" ... the fruit of the creative imagination, an escape from real insecure, reveals the insecurity of the child .
° THE LIE-fabulous : imitation of adults to avoid situations or complicated to go faster, lie! lie reveals fragility , Disturbance of self-esteem, narcissism affected.
° THE LIES SENTIMENTAL : ... which he is so good to believe! ! "Moms are the prettiest and nicest Dads";; look for the message!
As the jokes and jokes , children are often used to provoke you.
@ MY CHILD gets into mischief ... define the concept of stupidity is the fact the child can imagine that what he did was wrong and who can assess the consequences of his actions.; it is often nonsense "exploration of the world" or "life skills" .... the message I grow up, I want to discover the world, I want to do it alone, leave - I do my experiments. Do not accuse him of clumsiness rather accompany him in his conquest of autonomy (to build confidence, educate them to safety). Eg, getting dirty is not necessarily a mistake ... it is a lesson!
It may also be caused nonsense to draw attention : call nonsense! For a small, nothing is worse than indifference that seek to break any cost "I love you and I need you to love me." Catch his eye and support him: "What are you trying to tell me in saying that?" especially differentiate the child from the note! Sometimes it is a stupid anachronism that gives the impression that the child regresses ... it's a cry for help or to respond to recent changes in her life - birth, death, admission to school dénénagement ...- Is to divert adults about their problems (eg fights).
@ MY CHILD HAS VERY OFTEN tummy : do not exclude that this is true " how does it hurt? tells me: bad for real? very strong? "
Try assumptions about the message: "and having a stomach ache, you want me just say that you do not want to go to school? Or you are worried ? "" Tell me what's bothering you. " Establish a dialogue, a communication ... it is often a sensitive child, fearful, anxious , Anxious ... it can express the tensions and events happening at home, he needs you to take care of him, he needs to be reassured ... Think homeopathy which solves with success this disorder usually psychosomatic.
@ MY CHILD IS ILL OFTEN ; he may be a real problem of immunity (vaccines and attention to food-milk cow ex.qui - by Chinese Medicine - weaken immunity)
Sometimes the child has built a relationship with disease -By modeling their behavior on that of a parent or grandparent who enjoys himself some relationship with the disease - exist throughout her illnesses by former or using your anxiety, your reactions when sick mother you, then it is hyper-protected, you spoil it ... stay home with you or kept by granny or nanny, it's not going to school, he is the "king", your availability and increase your affection "just for him" Be aware of this! by doing so you confine your child in a state of fragility which makes it taste. A child who feels his anxious mother is struggling to emerge from this state of fragility (! feels the "good child" who responds to the request of his mother who feels "good mother" because she cares for her child then!) avoid saying "he is sick all the time "... which" installs "the child in the status of" excessive fragile ", do not say," You're just like your grandfather "... that catalog once and for all children as sick! also avoid saying "you make me even a cold" ... you are not a victim of your child! Try rather to understand the message!
@ MY CHILD HAS CUT THE HAIR ALONE : common between 3 and 5 years, the child asserts "I", he is preoccupied with himself, he constructed his identity (to relive that situation adolescence); hair are intimately related to identity, they are part of the face image and at school are a strong marker of identity girl - boy.
@ MY child stutters : communication disorder occurring more commonly in boys between 3 and 7 years. Rehearsals words or parts of sentences, blocks of sounds, facial grimaces, head movements, tics to accompany speech, shyness, anger, excessive docility, refusal to speak or say little can be warning signs. The most important is to show the child that you are interested in his message and not the way to state it, this to reduce the pressure. To avoid course: blame, mockery, advice speech that compromise spontaneity of speech, and false indifference. The factors responsible grouped under the term " the 3 P are:
which rearranges P: genetic, neuro-psychological disorder, disturbance of speech acquisition, anxiety, voluntarism, pain during early childhood;
what P récipite disorder: moving, birth, starting school, divorce, separation, emotional trauma, bereavement, parental conflict - unspoken family secret ...;
finally making erdurer P: Factors associated with the child's environment eg, the requirement of parents about the quality of speech, the intense pace of activities, education excessively strict, an emotional shock:::
The early care of the child by a psychologist and a speech therapist is recommended as soon as possible (3-4 years) .. . do not wait until the child stops! (Eg teasing from friends.)
@ ... 4 YEARS AND STILL NOT OWN ... Cleanliness is a stumbling block for many parents! About PIPI distinguish primary enuresis (child has never been own) and secondary enuresis (if followed a period of cleanliness) The causes are many and varied causes medical problems, neurological abnormalities, infections, most often , causes of bedwetting are psychological : the child uses to express the pain he can not hear otherwise made: eg. a desire to stay baby because it is not sufficiently stimulated, encouraged autonomy and imagine therefore we do not want him to grow up (case children than fathers do not help enough to "get out skirts their mother "), or response to the birth of a brother or sister because they believe that babies are more attractive to parents than the" big "or reaction to a general climate that grow is dangerous, forbidden incest too clearly stated -, or symptom that also reveals a questioning of sexuality: what is a sex? what good is it? only to "pee" or other thing? so many little boys who become their own learning when the male role in sexuality and procreation. It is very important "to hear ".... the message of the child without drama.
If it ' encopresis (poop), explain to the child that food waste should not be kept within itself, so it must go to the toilet only to evacuate them ... what should be a pride and "we do not need Mom!" The retention of stool is often an expression of a difficulty in the parental couple, or responds to a fear of loss, an unspoken (tension, difficult family situation) by withholding his stool, the child creates a clinch with her mother, a real right before which the father feels helpless. ... Especially not blackmail try to talk with the child what you think is his biggest concern.
@ MY CHILD TELLS NOTHING HAPPENS TO SCHOOL :
.... and it you angry! you have to accept: that his own life, its secrets, do not be intrusive! rather try to establish communication by trying to understand the emotions and feelings that your child has been living at school and not a list of pending operations. Show your interest in school: what it reports (articles, books, drawings ...), meet the master or mistress, be present (s) to meetings ... the child will feel that there a link between you and the school.
@ SCHOOL AND HE DOES NOT SPEAK ! to whom? with whom? is an authority that does not challenge perhaps, he may have difficulties to exist in the group: "alone "Mom ... no problem of identity, self-confidence!
*** REMEMBER WHEN?
Parents must make it a goal to focus communication ... every day ... to avoid the somatization and acting out ... for daring to say and be heard! If the child uses his body to "talk", pay attention to the "message sent "HEAR IT ... AND TRANSLATE THE WORDS IN ... message received!
*** READ THE WORKS OF JACQUES SALOME (ed. Albin Michel)
+ Happy communicating
; + Dad, Mom really listen to me
+ You're you when you speak ...
AND ALSO
+ Everything is language-Dolto
+ Tell me where you hurt, I'll tell you why-MICHEL Odoul
**** AND BOOKS - MEDIA ... FOR SUPPORTING PARENTS AND CHILDREN IN THE REAL TALK .. :
"THE WORDS RATHER THAN THE PAIN"
"little red books RASPBERRY" !
, (TO DISCOVER ON THIS SITE)
, (TO DISCOVER ON THIS SITE)
° published in 2006 and reissued in 2010
THE LITTLE GIRL WHO DID NOT SLEEP ....( a book about the ... Birth and unspoken secrets)
° published in 2007 COLD HIP ... (to communicate on divorce ;)
° published in 2009 IS LOST MY DAD ....( death, illness ... how to tell children)
and SOON THE 4TH BOOK
MY NAME .... to help adults and children to communicate with tenderness and truth on two key data needed to build knowing who you are and who we come ... and so able to be in the family.
;
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