@ The holidays ... perfect time to help your children become self !
dreamed ... but very scary for parents unless they transform their fears into development tools!
@ Yes! because fear is inevitable ... fear reflex quite normal, inseparable - just as love - the parenting ...
Yes, but fear "reasonable" ... which allows protect the child, to warn of the danger and allows to transmit the concept of risk .. . eg.: the child learns not to lean out the window or not to put his fingers into the sockets .. . Genuine safety education .
"is because it faces the anxiety of his parents or adults, that children develop survival strategies. And age does not alter the case, the question remains of LINK PARENTS - CHILD : teenager or small, only the object of fear changes, not its nature. "Daniel Bailly - psychiatrist -
@ About THIS LINK .... Daniel Marcelli - child psychiatrist - and Isabelle Filliozat - clinical psychologist and psychotherapist - "mark out" the course that parents must accompany:
* 0 to 12 months: "a matter of contact" for as a baby, his mother and he are one! having not a direct awareness of his environment, his sense of security depends on 2 things =
1. predictability on ... that is to say, a regular life rhythm and unsurprisingly (hugs, toilet, sleep, meals) where everything is repeated without major changes, a routine that allows the baby to trust those who take care of him.
2. relational consistency is to say ... the emotions of parents consistent with facial expressions and gestures, all anxious and insecure double message the baby.
+ attitude to promote : security is built into the physical contact eyes, gestures and words magnets ... take the baby in her arms, massaging, speak softly are messages that express: "I love you, you have a place in my life, I take the time to take care of you and it a pleasure for me. "............ BASE SECURITY.
* 12 months to 3 years : "between adventure and security" , the child discovers the autonomy movement, walking alone to places and objects he wants to discover, self-confidence to this age is the ability of parents to support the exploration of an encouraging and reassuring .. . . "mental portage" = balance between stimulation and protection. "Yes, you can do it alone," "no, you're still too small." If parents are too anxious, the child is likely to doubt skills, if the latitude of action is too large and especially if accident, the child will doubt the ability of parents to "secure" environment. It is necessary to accompany the child to discover the dangers ... that ESSENTIAL EDUCATION SECURITY.
+ attitude to promote : entrust him with small tasks (s to dress or wash himself) for the child is a source of personal pride and empowerment . Around 18 months is the classic phase of self-affirmation, the child must be able to make personal choices as often as possible: choosing between two pairs of shoes between two books ... for saying his tastes he learns to live as subjects.
* 3 to 6 years : "a need for solitude" ; an important event: the entry to school ... which allows the child to discover a member of a group of peers and subject to any other authority than its parents. The child in trouble with peers or with the academic pace should feel that their parents have the desire and ability to help him. Listened and understood and supported, he renewed his confidence in his parents so in him around 3 or 4 years, children begin to be desired time for him without the presence of parents to release tension, to reclaim his space, a child who can alternate between moments of loneliness and relational exchanges will become an independent adult who will listen to his desires, say no without guilt and draw with confidence in its domestic resources.
+ attitude to promote : listening vigilant essential to capture without harassing messages it sends (social relationships, school life, fears, doubts ...) at this age, it expresses also her creativity in all areas (objects, drawings ..) and submit it to parental assessment ... better avoid excessive compliments that ruling cast doubt his parents and confuse his self-evaluation ... systematic reviews and advice authoritarian ("do like this, do not like that") can lead to please his parents more than him - and even to challenge his skills ..... CONFIDENCE!
* 6 to 10 years : "The Taste of Others" ... parents are no longer the only mirrors or only markers of the child ... also evaluated by peers and rated by his teacher, he has to do with her skills and weaknesses, he must learn to make his place among the others, too protected by his parents or too loose, the child grasps with anxiety the outside world, social life .... always a bad note should give parents the opportunity to understand the origin of the error in the behavior or understanding of the child . A parent is convinced that thanks to the errors that we progress will not erode the child's capabilities and make it more accountable to its work.
Acet age, friendships are ephemeral. exclusion phenomena common: the child's ability to manage such crises depends on the ability of his parents not to confuse support and interference.
+ attitude to promote: discreet vigilance and careful listening, empathize with the child strengthens its internal security; the adult supports, but leaves enough space to say "I". however, give instructions for use relational ("shows up more farm) or let it manage one's life (" you set it ") may make him doubt him .... SELF-CONFIDENCE, SELF-ESTEEM.
* 10 to 13 years : "the first lines" . More completely child, not a teenager , "The adonaissant" - a term from the sociologist Francois de Singly - is particularly attentive to the trial of his comrades and its integration into the group: he keeps his distance from his parents (dress code, puberty, love troubles 1st) ... it is both anxious not to disappoint their expectations, and on the lookout for their criticism and eager to prove his independence. This empowerment will be easier if his parents allow him to both free space and marked for that it can "make his lines!
+ attitude to promote : let him manage his pocket money, provide information on all physical and psychological changes associated with puberty, assigned the household duties ( cleaning his room, errands etc ...) both for signify its importance and its ability to take responsibility ... 2 pillars of self-confidence. COMMUNICATION AND DIALOGUE, RULES AND CONFIDENCE.
* 14 to 18 years : adolescence is heckled by his doubts about his skills.
, + attitude to promote : encourage him to pursue sports, recreational or cultural, not to focus too much on academic results alone. The teen needs spaces assertiveness ... interest in his tastes without judging, seek advice, develop the initiative-taking constitute "valuable crutches narcissistic" - Patrice Huerre psychiatrist - "you're someone who has value."
@ HOLIDAY EXPERIENCES rhymes with ..
& Living conditions are changed - more time, less stress, more activities, new horizons - space of possibilities opens! activities are different, greater freedom and concerns .. Parenting amplified! Paradoxically, vacation time is for these fathers and mothers to the busy schedule, hoped for a moment, sometimes idealized, "we'll catch up, we will compensate, we'll do lots of activities" for .... respond to the guilt of not feeling "good parents" the rest of the year ... hence a strong demand from emotional adult, awaiting return of love, and fusion ... needs of each other do not always coincide, holidays generate conflict and frustration!
& PARENTS MUST LEARN TO BE SO "DÉPARENTALISER"
... by transforming their fear into dynamic educational, leaving the child "fantasy" to identify their child's "real", believing the danger to his own value - the real dangers are not so numerous, it is still necessary to evaluate the age of the child - Parents often have a performance capability of anachronistically their little ... sometimes not so small face of danger ... and children are aware of their abilities ... which gives birth family conflicts. TO SERVE THE CHILD HE HAS GROWN AND PARENTS LEARN TO BE "DÉPARENTALISER" ie to RELEASE! By developing our confidence in our child, we help to strengthen its response capacity, thereby overprotecting do not, we protégons ! The right attitude: a work of observation and host to allow "the young explorer" ... to reassure the child explores the world from the security database represented by the adult: it s' escapes, he returns to his refuge, he goes and enlarges gradually gained ground.
& HOLIDAYS ARE AN IDEAL TIME FOR IT TO BE EXPERIENCED ITS NEW FORCES IN adapt capacity to CHALLENGES FACING THE RISK.
@ EVERY AGE .... YOUR GOOD ATTITUDE:
° 2-4 years ... the 1 st discoveries. . . and if he lost on the beach? and if he was drowning? WHAT TO DO? organize a pole but allowing it to expand its field of discovery, taking risks with its measurement and between 2 and 4 year old child who does not realize the danger, escapes to go later, ie at the other end of the beach: do not be afraid to let him try it with eg. previously made the journey with him or her in determining where it will stop "You're going down there ..." ; Keep in mind Winnicott's phrase "the mother shares with her child a piece of the world, yet very gradually expanding to meet the increasing ability of children to enjoy the world."
° 6-10 years .. the afternoon at the outdoor center, or club sports .. . And if safety rules were not followed? and if he had an accident? WHAT TO DO? trust the coaching staff, admit that you can never completely protect your child and the risk 0 does not exist, accept that risk taking is part of learning: the child must feel the danger to cope ... otherwise prevent overprotection and even forbade his children to grow !
° 5-12 years ... starting in the first colo, the 1st holiday without parents ..
and if not well supervised? and if he was facing a problem of sexual abuse? WHAT TO DO? trust, and when the child is away from them, parents have the feeling it will not be able to face the unknown (do not confuse the real dangers and projecting our own fears!) " the real dangers are the dangers of death and sexual threats: we must name them, explain them and to trust the capacity of understanding of children, "advises JP Winter - psychoanalyst - Confidence is not given, it is won by accepting the separation (large, split it), talking with her child, refusing the invasion of morbid thoughts, streamlining (compare the number of accidents or problems that occurred in residence with the numberof colostrum or center opened each summer).
° 10-14 years ... the party at a friend ... but who is it? what are his parents? WHAT TO DO? put tags, no question of letting "the adonaissant" go on an adventure, whatever but why deny his request? investigate ... to allay fears, meet the boyfriend, his parents if possible, put an hourly limit. "The adonaissant to leave little by little his parents while being monitored by them. Refuse Risk adonaissance and adolescence is concern that her child does not get out of childhood" says François de Singly - sociologist - a specialist in family -
16 - 17 years ... the exit box! .. and if he had a motorcycle accident? Car? and if he touched the drugs? and if he did not use a condom? WHAT TO DO? impossible to ban the name of fundamental educational principle: the balance between risk and the ability of adolescents to confront and master it, the need to explain the reality of danger: the risk of death ( accidents, alcohol, drugs ...) and risks related to sexuality, the need to contract "I trust you, but I give you the limits that you must respect" ... and if not punished - respect!
RESPECT THE RULES IS A PLEDGE FOR PEACE FOR ALL YOU CAN RELEASE IT FEELS PROTECTED - even if rattle violently!
*** On the 2nd page of the blog, NO HOLIDAY FOR SAFETY!
